Jul
9
How to contemporaneously applaud your alma mater while giving the environment the middle finger!
Aug
13
10. The Urban Poet begins a rigorous pre-season fitness regimen.
9. OU cheerleaders scramble to memorize the words to Boomer Sooner. They fail, and go back to practicing fellatio. They succeed.
8. Nerds across the country prepare for twelve weeks out of the shadows as they don Michael Jackson-esque (RIP) pseudo-military uniforms to march in the band.
7. A Florida State Freshman opens the official FSU refrigerator, removes the silence of the lambs-esque skin suit of Bobby Bowden, and holds a press conference. Put the lotion in the bucket Bobby!
6. Joe Paterno starts sundowning–and preparing to win the Big Ten.. again.
5. BYU embraces its African-American population (may also be an indicator of the start of college basketball, or track, or baseball, or hockey). For that matter, so does Notre Dame, Boston College, and Grambling.
4. Hundreds of Thousands of Michigan fans eagerly anticipate another 6-6 season with wins over Minnesota and Wayne State! They fail, and go back to practicing fellatio. They succeed.
3. Rick Neuheisel renews his membership to www.sportsbook.com.
2. God forgets about Notre Dame.
1. The Coliseum begins to smell of brei, white whine spritzers, superciliousness… and victory.
9. OU cheerleaders scramble to memorize the words to Boomer Sooner. They fail, and go back to practicing fellatio. They succeed.
8. Nerds across the country prepare for twelve weeks out of the shadows as they don Michael Jackson-esque (RIP) pseudo-military uniforms to march in the band.
7. A Florida State Freshman opens the official FSU refrigerator, removes the silence of the lambs-esque skin suit of Bobby Bowden, and holds a press conference. Put the lotion in the bucket Bobby!
6. Joe Paterno starts sundowning–and preparing to win the Big Ten.. again.
5. BYU embraces its African-American population (may also be an indicator of the start of college basketball, or track, or baseball, or hockey). For that matter, so does Notre Dame, Boston College, and Grambling.
4. Hundreds of Thousands of Michigan fans eagerly anticipate another 6-6 season with wins over Minnesota and Wayne State! They fail, and go back to practicing fellatio. They succeed.
3. Rick Neuheisel renews his membership to www.sportsbook.com.
2. God forgets about Notre Dame.
1. The Coliseum begins to smell of brei, white whine spritzers, superciliousness… and victory.
Aug
13
You never sold a single album.
You never owned a monkey.
You never tried to buy the elephant man’s bones.
You never did the moonwalk.
But you reminded us to never leave home without it.
Too bad you had to live 178 years just to have your death overshadowed by that asshole.
Of course, I mean Ed McMahon. It would be mean, but ironic, to refer to Farah Fawcett as an asshole because she died of asshole cancer.